23-May-2017

I tried to write a poem about what I feel right now but nothing comes to mind. I guess my thoughts are in chaos.

I really hate this feeling when I don’t want to feel something but I JUST can’t help feeling it. Too much feels…

Jealousy is ALWAYS so overwhelming I can’t even breath properly. I just want to take the deepest breath I can just to ease whatever this is that burdens me. It’s exhausting, honestly. If I can just go for a counseling regarding this I would. I just feel like the fear of losing him can eventually be the reason for him to leave me.

There were so many unwelcome thoughts that constantly haunt me. They MAKE me feel so unsure of what I can really offer in this relationship.

I’m starting to hate myself for being like this. I’m trying so hard to be the perfect girl by suppressing this feeling as much as possible but I don’t think that would be fair to him. Of all the self-help articles I’ve read regarding relationships, communication is a constant in all of them. So that’s what I’m always trying to do and we end up arguing. I really don’t know if open communication is helping us but IT definitely is helping me ease the lump that’s preventing me to breath properly.

All I want is to be the girl he truly deserves, someone who wouldn’t act like the way I’m acting RIGHT now.

Please help me. I badly need one…

 

 

 

17-May-2017

When we were JUST friends, all I ever wanted was for you to want me more than that

I would ALWAYS wish that one day you’ll love me with all of you no matter what.

Then that day came when you MAKE me feel so overwhelmed with feelings which is so senseless

Something that even my rational mind can’t fathom and IT made me feel so restless.

I’m scared that I’m pushing you away by all the fears that I feel, fail to do the RIGHT thing and be careless.

I rarely quote excerpts from an article to my entries but when we fought last night, all I ever wanted was to suppress everything that I’m feeling, swallow my pride, forget about the pain and just kiss and make up. So I searched for some articles that would help me ease my mind with worries, you know me, reading relaxes me. 

Then I saw this article from Elite Daily, “Something to Fight About: Couples Who Fight The Most, Love Each Other The Most”

Fighting means you care enough to deal with the hurt and anger, rather than just walk away. It means actively pursuing a solution, a breakthrough that will make you stronger.

No two people are going to agree on everything, and fighting just means you’ve hit a point in your journey together that needs special attention and communication.

They pointed out some other points and I really do hope I’ll get the consolation prize (clue: last part of the linked article)

Honestly, when I read that, I was somewhat relieved that it isn’t a bad sign that we argue on some things more often that I expected. I guess I’ve never loved anyone this much to realize that fighting is a good sign in a realtionship.

I want to apologize personally and don’t want to publish the details here.

We’ll make it better. Right, Mahal? 

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH..